It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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