I feel like I'm in dance class right now
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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