he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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