you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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