sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
