Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
