The maid of honor just puked.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
We are all done wearing pants today
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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