Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
