i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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