Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
