i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
