Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Randomize
