At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Randomize
