It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
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