dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
