I hope mine doesn't look like that
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
