2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Randomize
