We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
