How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
