I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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