if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm bleeding and have questions
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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