Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
