I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
