So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
