This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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