Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
