Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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