Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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