Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Randomize