I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
