I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
