So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
