my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize