It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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