Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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