haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
