I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
