watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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