then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
