Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize