i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
