Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
