i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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