I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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