There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Every concussion has its silver lining
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize