I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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