My liver just broke up with me...
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
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