Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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