My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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