I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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