You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
My feet surprised me
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