Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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