I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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