Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Say something about gay babies.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
you had me at cake vodka
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
