Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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