seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
