Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize