I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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