Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
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