went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
