He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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