All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
