Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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