come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You ruined the universe
Randomize
