I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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