Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
