I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my shit smells like andre
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Randomize
